babies are da bomb

When we brought home our first baby we might as well brought home one of those motion sensitive explosives you see in the movies. You know, where if someone moves too quickly the whole place goes kablooey? Usually there's a click and then someone spots blinking light or a hears an ever increasing beep beep. The baby equivalent is a persistent scream that seems to get exponentially louder the longer it goes on.

My wife read all the books about what to expect so she was completely prepared to defuse any situation, or so she thought. I, on the other hand, had not read the books and instead relied completely on parental instincts handed down from years of evolution.

Anyway, once your infant is home things are pretty relaxed. Baby sleeps a lot. Sure there are the normal cries for food or diaper changes. But sometimes you can't stop the wailing with food or fresh pants.

As the crying gets louder and goes on longer things get a little more frantic. Your baby seems to be trying to tell you something like, "Cut the blue wire! Blue wire!" But you don't understand, so you check the diaper again. Change the outfit. Offer some milk. Check the milk to see if it's the right temperature. Shake the baby rattle. Give some medicine for gas. Hold baby on shoulder. Lay baby on back. Lay baby on tummy. Wonder if you can give Tylenol in conjunction with gas medicine. Sing. Sing a different song (Take me out to the ballgame is just as good as any lullabye in this situation). Maybe baby doesn't like the words so, hum. All the while the screaming persists and you feel the fuse is lit fuse and approaching its payload fast.

Somehow, miraculously I discovered my first born found the sound of running water soothing. Whew! And when baby number two began to scream "BLUE WIRE" I went straight to the running water only find it was the bathroom fan that defused him.

I knew the running water was a temporary fix and I was going to need to make a calming mechanism for him. One day during a nap I took some multi-colored Christmas lights and pinned them to the ceiling in a decorative pattern above the rocking chair. Each night, momma would rock baby to sleep and he would just stare at the lights and the lights became an alternative to the running water.

My second born found lights not to be soothing but exciting instead. A bigger problem with him was that sometimes he would get all agitated on the changing table. Often throwing a fit, kicking his feet, twisting about, putting his hands in the last place you would want and generally being uncooperative.

To contaminate the volatile situation, I took a page from my dentist. On ceiling over the patient's chairs my dentist has placed "really busy" posters so they can look at something while work is being done. My toddler still has his undersea poster above his changing table. While I change him, I ask him to count the fish, the turtles, dolphins etc.

So if you're unclear which wire your baby is telling you to cut, remain calm. Take a page out of my manual. Put some eye candy on the ceiling. Sing the baseball anthem. Get a mouthful of water and do your impression of a whale. Wear a diaper on your head. Get as silly as you have to. Just know the episode will likely pass as quickly as it came on.

Of course if it does persist, call your doctor and never, ever shake the baby.